Political Jokes

Damn those politicians, these jokes are just so true, they really are a bunch of bastards aren't they? Whooaa!

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."